"More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read"

- Oscar Wilde

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Man, the Myth, the Legend

The Battle of the Field at Mayernik: the legend of King Jewels
Despite all the effort that has for centuries been expended in the search for King Jewels, he has continued to evade the pages of authentic history. Not only has there been a distinct lack of evidence to reveal who he really was; as yet no one has been able to prove beyond doubt that he even existed at all. Solving the mystery of King Jewels is like trying to assemble a huge jigsaw puzzle. The clues exist, but in many different forms: in folklore, archaeology and recorded history. Many have tried to complete the picture, but very often the pieces were wrongly arranged, and until recently some were missing entirely.

We are about to embark upon an historical adventure—a search for the real King Jewels: his identity, his Kingdom of Acorn, and his final resting place. By carefully disentangling the historical from the mythological, and piecing together the fascinating evidence that remains, we reveal for the first time a true story that is in every way as spellbinding as the romantic legend.

The Legend
In a far off time, when Avon upon Benjamin was divided and without a king, barbarian hordes laid waste the once fertile countryside. The throne lay vacant for a just and righteous man, who could free the people from their servile yoke and drive the invaders from the land. But only he who could hoist the atrociously robust and big-footed ogre, Prince Conor of Sunnyjims’s, over the great wall could prove himself the rightful heir. Years passed and many tried, but the fettered chunky swine stood firm and unyielding upon the ancient, weathered field. Then, one day, a young man, high-shorted and bearing the helmet of a batsman, emerged from the forest and to the amazement of all, succeeded where even the most advantageous had failed. The people rejoiced; the king had come and his name was Big Jewels of East Avon.

On accession to the highest office in the land, Jewels set about restoring the wasteland known as Northern Boroughs. After building the impregnable fortress of Acorn, and founding an order of valiant warriors, the Softballers of Emmy Inn, the king rode forth to sweep aside the evil which had beset the land. The liberated peasants quickly took him to their hearts, and Big Jewels reigned justly over his newly prosperous kingdom; bedding any fair maiden that passed with wondering eyes.

Although the great Wyvern Wivell, the bastard Prince Conor’s Grendelic rendition of a mother, ravaged the country in the time before his kingship, she was overcome by the newfound resolve of Jewels’s subjects, for they mounted a quest to discover the magic mushrooms, a fabulous array of psychedelics that held the secret cure for all ills. But as happens so often during an age of plenty, there are those whom power corrupts. Soon a rebellion tore the kingdom apart, an armed uprising led by the reincarnated Wyvern Wivell; the king’s beady eyed, red mini-van driving, poor excuse for an interior designer…was back. Yet there was one, possessed by dark forces, who lay at the heart of the strife: the mysterious and satanic enchantress, the Yount that was Amy. In a final battle, the Wyvern was at last defeated and the Yount that was Amy was destroyed by Schlumpfalufagus, the court magician. But all did not go well, for the Biggest of Jewels was mortally wounded.

As he lay dying on the field of battle, the last request by the mighty king was that a Colt 45 and two zig-zags, the source of all his power, be cast into a sacred creek and lost forever to mortal man. When the magical sword fell to the water, the arm of the Wiebe of Dave arose from the surface, caught it by the hilt and took it down into the crystal depths.

When the great king was close to death, he was spirited away on a barge to the mystical Isle of Nevilla, accompanied by three mysterious maidens, each dressed completely in white and bearing the breasts of fatherless strippers. Many say that he died and was buried upon the isle, yet there are those who believe that the Jewels’s soul is not to be found amongst the dead. It is said that he just taking a really long pot-nap, and that one day he will awaken and the world will again be free from assholes who coddle their “ne’er-do-wrong” children because of a bad past experience with Father Bob after cleaning up at the rectory following a long lusty bingo night.

always with the last word,


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